When we learn that our child is the target of bullying, often our initial response is the desire to take control of the situation and tell the kids parent or say something to the kid ourselves. Bullies also seem to be tuned in to their victims "buttons" and they know how to push those buttons in any situation. They look for the most vulnerable and attack at the most opportune times. It's important that you know how best to handle the situation before addressing it. Educate yourself before you act.

Warning Signs

 Possible warning signs that a child is being bullied:

• Comes home with torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books, or other belongings
• Has unexplained cuts, bruises, and scratches
• Has few, if any friends, with whom he or she spends time
• Seems afraid of going to school, walking to and from school, riding the school bus, or taking part in organized activities with peers (such as clubs)
• Takes a long, "illogical" route when walking to or from school
• Has lost interest in school work or suddenly begins to do poorly in school
• Appears sad, moody, teary or depressed when he or she comes home
• Complains frequently of headaches, stomachaches, or other physical ailments
• Has trouble sleeping or has frequent bad dreams
• Experiences a loss of appetite
• Appears anxious and suffers from low self-esteem

What to do if you suspect your child is being bullied? 

If your child shows any of these signs, this does not necessarily mean that he or she is being bullied, but it is a possibility worth exploring. What should you do? Talk with your child and with staff at school to learn more.

1. Talk with your child. Tell your child that you are concerned and that you'd like to help. Here are some questions that can get the discussion going:

Some direct questions:

• "I'm worried about you. Are there any kids at school who may be picking on you or bullying you?"
• "Are there any kids at school who tease you in a mean way?"
• "Are there any kids at school who leave you out or exclude you on purpose?"

Some subtle questions:

• "Do you have any special friends at school this year? Who are they? Who do you hang out with?"
• "Who do you sit with at lunch and on the bus?"
• "Are there any kids at school who you really don't like? Why don't you like them? Do they ever pick on you or leave you out of things?"

2. Talk with staff at your child's school. Call or set up an appointment to talk with your child's teacher. He or she will probably be in the best position to understand the relationships between your child and other peers in school. Share your concerns about your child and ask the teacher such questions as:

• "How does my child get along with other students in his or her class?" 
• "With whom does he or she spend free time?"
• "Have you noticed or have you ever suspected that my child is bullied by other students?" Give examples of some ways that children can be bullied to be sure that the teacher is not focusing only on one kind of bullying (such as physical bullying).

Ask the teacher to talk with other adults who interact with your child at school (such as the music teacher, physical education teacher, or bus driver) to see whether they have observed students bullying your child.

If you are not comfortable talking with your child's teacher, or if you are not satisfied with the conversation, make an appointment to meet with your child's guidance counselor or principal to discuss your concerns.  

If you obtain information from your child or from staff at your child's school that leads you to believe that he or she is being bullied, take quick action. Bullying can have serious effects on children.  

HELP! MY CHILD IS BEING BULLIED

If, after talking with your child and staff at his or her school, you don't suspect that your child is being bullied, stay vigilant to other possible problems that your child may be having. Some of the warning signs above (e.g., depression, social isolation, and loss of interest in school) may be signs of ther serious problems. Share your concerns with a counselor at your child's school.

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